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What People Are Saying About Me On The Internet

Your assessment, (while comic and sarcastic) is true and hilarious.

— Jovana J, Comment on my Amazon review of “Divergent”, badly misusing “while”

Dude calm your tits itd just a commercial

— Fernando Alvarado, Comment on my YouTube video making fun of a commercial

While your review was funny, it was very denigrating and not very nice. I guess you have to be a not nice person to be a comedy writer, eh?

— AudreyJean, Comment on an Amazon review I wrote about Twilight. 80% accurate, in my experience of writers.

Oh, hey, Alex Falcone, you are a bad writer.

— steps, Comment on blog post that was pretty good

Whoever wrote this, please, I’m begging you, text and drive, a lot, please. You owe it to society, you 12 year old girl in a hairy man suit.

— dogtrot, Aggressive comment on a blog post I wrote saying the iPhone 5 looked a lot like the iPhone 4. Took a weird turn at the end.

This dude is a bitch.

— LittleGoriller, YouTube comment

You bastard sex rocks what the fuck is your problem.do you not like condoms because a girls never asked you to use one or have had sex you bastard

— splash, Comment on video I made making fun of a condom commercial

Its is time to hire writers who know English grammar, and punctuation.

— Earl Chestnut, Comment on my blog post, following Skitt’s Law

Alex, ditch your Justin Bieber hair-do, it’s so unbecomming of a writer of your fame and stature.

— Francesco Zerilli, Odd fashion advice commenting on a blog post I wrote about Sarah Palin’s book

Chubby, buck-toothed, four-eyed nerd lefty two years out of journalism college he went six years to

— Insigne123, Comment from when the alt-right discovered a negative review I wrote of a Sarah Palin book, somehow giving me an honorary j-school degree

Is Alex Falcone a limp-wristed sodomite? He sure writes like one …

— NorthMountain, Comment from when the alt-right discovered a negative review I wrote of a Sarah Palin book

it is because of people like you that the market is in such a disarray all the time.

— g, Comment on blog I wrote saying the iPhone 5 looked similar to the 4.

The first half of the article was well done, felt like you were stretching a bit towards the end though. Overall a solid B for effort. 🙂

— John, Comment on Mercury cover story I wrote, the meanest comments are the ones that are correct

absolutely tragically! no Repekt before this achievement! Extinguish this video again!

— 73bobycar, YouTube video about Red Bull space guy

A worthy addition to the legion of 15 year-old chronic masturbators on Youtube

— arklowrockz, Comment on YouTube video, by somebody younger who appears than me

i say i dont like you and your a FUCK TARD

— sasukesbabygirl23144, Comment on YouTube video, but allowing the possibility that she likes some but not all FUCK TARDs

I get that your having fun giving your opinion

— Cherlin, Comment on movie review I wrote, but applies well to my entire career

you should stop wearing shorts that cover your knees, they make you look like a douche-bro.

— Graham, Comment on photo of me in the press, tough but fair

What an infantile review, trying to be clever but failing miserably.

— ShowBizBuff, Comment on my Amazon review of “Divergent” which 89% of people found helpful

Pieces like this can be moderately interesting… but this is just a list of one person’s ill-considered opinions.

— lysenko, Comment on newspaper article where I was asked to list my opinions

I want to see the people that would pay $12.00 to watch these clueless fucktards. but Portland is a mindless hipster shithole

— peekayboo, Comment on YouTube video of my standup

This must be one of the most petty things I’ve ever read.

— Adam, Comment on blog post where I said the iPhone 5 didn’t seem very good

I can’t root for you because you’re boring

— Steve Buttwater, Twitter @-reply, in response to nothing

I hate this video

— Romero, YouTube, naturally

I could smell the sweat coming off of this attempt at humor.

— Robert_Cannelin, Comment on a largely smell-free 200-word review I wrote on Amazon

unfortunate

— Publisher’s Weekly, Review of my novel

Wow what a beta CUCK

— BohemianAsh, Comment on a YouTube video of me talking about how I like my wife.

mildly amusing. short.

— Katie, Very accurate review of my novel

What the fuck even.

— Eileen, A five-star review of my novel that feels very fair.

Wow, this rhetoric is what should not be invited back. Beyond stupid, idiotic moron looking for attention.

— Sinbad, commenting on my cover story for the Mercury about things not invited back in 2018, which I did write entirely for attention.

Not funny. Not relevant. Not even nihilistic.

Unsubbed.

— nerdcore72, Reddit, where nobody is ever nihilistic enough

Yea… so this guy doesn’t fuck

— Itsaboutnutrients, Reddit, where 12 year olds accuse everybody of virginity

Says the soyboy with the testosterone levels of a 95 year old man.

— Smug_Anime_Face, Reddit, and this guys is obviously terrible but “soyboy” makes me laugh

“Although it is infinitely soaked with stupidity, it draws you in and reads it as you eat fresh rolls in the morning :)”

— Viki, Polish review of my novel

Oh this must be the liberal dirt bag museum that posts demented liberal trash paintings shows the nentallity of these liberal whacks twisted warped minds

— Old Timer, Comment on YouTube video of me touring an art museum

too neatly packaged and easily digestible to be deeply exciting.

— CHRISTOPHER GONZALEZ, Oregon Arts Watch story about my winning Portland’s Funniest Person

the result felt more formulaic than challenging.

— CHRISTOPHER GONZALEZ, Oregon Arts Watch story about my winning Portland’s Funniest Person

Maybe the reason the crows are shitting on you is because you are a god awful human.

— Sancharity, Comment section on an essay about things wrong with Portland

Of all the things that didn’t not happen, this the most didn’t happen.

— Comment on a story about my “NASA rejection letter” that did say it wasn’t real

Didn’t get flustered at all!

— A host who thought it was a compliment

The funny part isn’t his joke. It’s that he’s a total beta cuck.

— @captsaveahoe92, TikTok

This man is the stay at home dad Mac Demarco

— William, YouTube

He looks like he smells like Soylent.

— FishSticks2020, TikTok

Not rib breaking funny, but has a solid base. Sorta like that funny person you meet at a party.

— foggyblues13, YouTube

Unfortunately because of your voice… You aren’t funny

— kinggppanda on IG

Too much about sex. Get some new material.

— Ti Ti, YouTube

You look like the annoying kid from polar express

— shrimpcactis, Facebook

Entertaining and annoying at the same time

— user7910400670588, TikTok
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Mostly this is so I can let you know when I’ve got a show near you (so you can avoid the area) but occasionally I’ll share some funny/cool things. I won’t spam you, it’s literally too much work.